Who Am I? Exploring the Self Through What Stays the Same

Everyone has asked themselves, at some point: Who am I? The question is ancient — but the answers keep evolving. As we grow and have new experiences, our memories and current context continue to inform our feeling of "self". New versions of ourself can come out of any experience life throws at us, unravelling the mystery of who am I? What am I becoming?

Therapy is often a space we can come to, to ground ourselves and look at all the old and new parts, to see how they fit together and what it means to us in the here and now. It is a place to explore why we feel conflicted about how we are acting if we say we value the opposite action, to see if we are holding on to a part of self so tightly that we cannot expand into something else, or to understand what are the parts of myself that I can rely on through any evolution of my being. This process of questioning yourself can feel scary or overwhelming, especially when we are constantly exposed to messages about who we’re supposed to be and how to improve ourselves. In the face of all this, it can be comforting — even empowering — to reconnect with the parts of yourself that remain stable.

The Big Five: A Framework for Understanding Personality

While horoscopes and personality quizzes can offer fun insights, one model that stands out in psychological research as being a rather consistent reflection of self from early adulthood onwards is the Big Five Personality Model. The model looks at five core personality traits that tend to remain stable over time:

• Openness to Experience

• Conscientiousness

• Extraversion

• Agreeableness

• Neuroticism

Although significant life events (like trauma or illness) can alter these traits to some degree, research shows they’re generally consistent from early adulthood onward. For instance, an introverted child is likely to grow into an introverted adult, even if they learn to be more socially skilled. Additionally, all of these traits are assessed on a spectrum rather than by putting you into a rigid category; this shows how through life experience we can sometimes shift one way or another on these categories, rather than leaping from one end to the opposite. For example, someone might say, “I’ve always leaned towards being imaginative and creative, seeking out new experiences when I can” reflecting higher openness, or, “I prefer structure and having a plan,” pointing to conscientiousness.

Temperament: The Emotional Blueprint We’re Born With

Have you ever wondered why some people seem unfazed by chaos, while others feel everything — deeply and immediately? That difference often comes down to temperament, the biological foundation that shapes how emotionally reactive and sensitive we are to our environment. From infancy to adulthood, temperament tends to stay remarkably consistent, shaping how we perceive the world, respond to stress, and form our sense of self. Some people are naturally more cautious, others more adventurous, some feel emotions intensely, while others are less bothered by their surroundings. This isn't just about personality- it also is a refelction of unique brain function.

One of the more ancient parts of our brain is called the amygdala, which plays a vital role in emotional regulation and detecting threats. It is a part of the brain that can be more sensitive for some than others, similar to a fire alarm that goes off at the smallest hint of smoke when other fire alarms remain unbothered till the fire is raging. This brain difference plays a role in how cautious and reactive we are at our core. Similarly, dopamine and serotonin, two neurotransmitters in the brain, can influence traits within us such as impulsivity, mood regulation, and adaptability. We know from twin and adoption studies that there is a heritability to our temperament. Thus, while environment and experience certainly shapes our behaviour, temperament can reflect that biological baseline for how you experience or respond to the world around you.

The Language We think In

Language is another aspect of ourself that carries with it a whole framework: values, humor, culture, and emotional nuance. When we put words to our emotional experience, studies show that it calms the amygdala that we mentioned prior, thus soothing some of the intensity of the emotion, allowing us to think a bit more clearly. It is helpful for each of us to reflect on the language we use to describe ourselves, other people, and the things that happen in the world. Do I speak in words of extreme- always, never, forever? Are there topics I have never spoken about, or topics I often limit my conversations to? How do identity labels affect how I feel about myself or others?

Culture and values are two interesting characteristics of the self that we can notice when reflecting on the language we identify with. Having moved to Switzerland from the U.S., I often enjoy hearing the unique old German phrases about life and wondering about how they came to be culturally speaking- a favourite being "Das Leben ist kein Ponyhof" (life is no pony farm). Even in one such phrase, it reflects generations of people that understood the struggles of life, and perhaps culturally the value or necessity of hard work and emotional resilience. From the words you use to express emotions to the metaphors that structure your thoughts- all inform how you see yourself and the world around you.

People who grow up bilingual also often report feeling like a slightly different version of themself depending on what language they are speaking. Having grown up bilingual myself, I know that when I speak in English I use more culturally-related and sarcastic humour and metaphors as compared to my second language of Greek where I can often feel like I have access to more depth of emotion with unique words that are missing from the English language. In this way language isn't just a tool- it's a mirror, a memory bank, and a thread through the fabric of yourself throughout life.

Home Within The Self

In the ever-shifting landscape of life, it’s no wonder the question “Who am I?” can feel so complex. And yet, within all this change, there are anchors we can return to: the personality traits that remain steady, the temperaments we were born with, and the languages that shape how we think and feel.

Reflection and curiosity offer us the chance to sit with the different parts of ourself and to feel more at home in our own experience. Identity isn’t something we arrive at once and for all. It’s something we live — daily, gently, imperfectly — in the choices we make, the stories we tell, and the self we continue to become.